Refactoring Trust on Your Teams (GOTO; Chicago 2020)

Transcript

1. Refactoring Trust
   on your Team
   Rebecca Miller-Webster
   @rmillwebster
   Equilibria
   Head of Engineering
   myeq.com | @equilibriawomen
   Premium, farm to home, CBD for
   women
   Write/Speak/Code
   Founder, Board Member
   @writespeakcode
   Leadership & visibility for women, trans,
   and non-binary technologists
   

   View Slide

2. @rmillerwebster
   

   View Slide

3. @rmillerwebster
   Trust Matters
   A Lot
   

   View Slide

4. @rmillerwebster
   Trust matters
   • Fundamental to our sense of safety, autonomy, and dignity as a
   human being
   • Part of every relationship
   • Allows us to disagree, debate & test each other’s thinking
   • Trust on teams is correlated with business profitability
   

   View Slide

5. @rmillerwebster
   Neuroscience of Trust
   • Trust in social interactions increases oxytocin
   • Oxytocin increases
   • risk tolerance
   • ability to make decisions and take actions
   • critical analysis, logic, and creativity
   • verbal communication skills
   • well-being and safety
   

   View Slide

6. @rmillerwebster
   Neuroscience of Distrust
   • Fight / Flight / Freeze response
   • Limited use of “thinking brain”
   • Respond with unconscious, innate defensive behaviors
   • Anxiety, fear, anger, aggression, withdrawal
   • Threat alert
   

   View Slide

7. @rmillerwebster
   Self-Protection
   • most successful people learn to be competitive with their peers,
   and protective of their reputations
   • takes away focus from current work
   • fear of others using “it” for their gain
   

   View Slide

8. @rmillerwebster
   What is trust?
   

   View Slide

9. @rmillerwebster
   Trust is choosing
   to risk making
   something you value
   vulnerable to another
   person’s actions.
   The Thin Book of Trust by Charles Feltman:
   

   View Slide

10. @rmillerwebster
    Choosing to risk
    

    View Slide

11. @rmillerwebster
    Risk Assessment
    

    View Slide

12. @rmillerwebster
    Something we value
    

    View Slide

13. @rmillerwebster
    What do we value?
    Money Beliefs Your or team’s work or effort
    Career / Job
    Way of doing things
    Deadlines
    Promotion “Good name,” Reputation, or Status
    Thoughts and Ideas
    Goal Happiness and wellbeing
    Hopes, Fears, or Concerns
    

    View Slide

14. @rmillerwebster
    By making it
    vulnerable
    to another’s actions
    

    View Slide

15. @rmillerwebster
    By Leena Snidate / Codenomicon (http://heartbleed.com/heartbleed.svg)
    [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons
    

    View Slide

16. @rmillerwebster
    Relational Vulnerability
    • “Emotion we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and
    emotional exposure”
    • “Showing up when you can’t control the outcome”
    • Cannot “engineer” vulnerability out of relationships
    • Innovation requires us to accept inevitable failure and keep
    going.
    Quotes from Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
    

    View Slide

17. @rmillerwebster
    CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
    https://www.flickr.com/photos/
    drsnitch/19325871168/
    

    View Slide

18. @rmillerwebster
    Trust is built in
    small moments
    

    View Slide

19. @rmillerwebster
    How do you (re)build
    trust?
    

    View Slide

20. @rmillerwebster
    

    View Slide

21. @rmillerwebster
    B Boundaries
    R Reliability
    A Accountability
    V Vault
    I Integrity
    N Non-Judgement
    G Generosity
    Elements of Trust from
    Rising Strong, Dare to Lead
    by Brené Brown
    

    View Slide

22. @rmillerwebster
    Boundaries
    • You respect my boundaries.
    • When you’re not clear about what’s ok and not ok, you ask.
    • You are willing to say no.
    

    View Slide

23. @rmillerwebster
    Lack of Boundaries
    • Resentment
    • Anger
    • Frustration
    • Talking behind people’s backs
    • Blame
    BRAVING: Boundaries
    

    View Slide

24. @rmillerwebster
    Boundary Examples
    • Starting and ending meetings on time
    • Not looking at phones or computers during meetings
    • Not checking email after a certain time
    • Not taking work home on the weekends
    BRAVING: Boundaries
    

    View Slide

25. @rmillerwebster
    CC BY 3.0
    https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:
    Bamboo_Fence_with_Gate_-_Agri-Horticultural_Society_of_India_-
    _Alipore_-_Kolkata_2013-01-05_2369.JPG
    Boundaries aren’t walls
    BRAVING: Boundaries
    

    View Slide

26. @rmillerwebster
    What can you do?
    • Clear expectations, including …
    • Success Criteria
    • Timeframe
    • Resources
    • Explain your reasoning and be open to questions
    • Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
    BRAVING: Boundaries
    

    View Slide

27. @rmillerwebster
    Reliability
    • You do what you say you’ll do
    • At work this means staying aware of your competencies and
    limitations so you don’t over promise and are able to deliver on
    commitments and balance competing priorities
    

    View Slide

28. @rmillerwebster
    Cycle of Commitment
    Request /
    Offer
    Respond
    Commit
    Act
    Report
    BRAVING: Reliability
    

    View Slide

29. @rmillerwebster
    What can you do?
    • Agile: Stand up, Planning Poker
    • Respond positively when someone asks for help
    • Clarify requests & offers: who, what, when
    • Be committed to what you ask for
    • Report on commitments
    BRAVING: Reliability
    

    View Slide

30. @rmillerwebster
    Accountability
    • You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends
    

    View Slide

31. @rmillerwebster
    CC BY 2.0 https://www.flickr.com/photos/jamescridland/29267914962
    

    View Slide

32. @rmillerwebster
    What can you do?
    • Take the time to listen to why people are doing what they are doing
    • Avoid hero-ing
    • Take responsibility for your behavior and the impact it had on others
    • Acknowledge: recognize what you did wrong or the damage in the other person’s eyes —
    even if that wasn’t your intention
    • Apologize: ask forgiveness, and declare your intention to redeem yourself.
    • Commit to changing your behavior — and do change.
    • Help fix problems your actions created
    BRAVING: Accountability
    

    View Slide

33. @rmillerwebster
    Vault
    • You don’t share information or experiences that aren’t yours to
    share
    • I need to know my confidences are kept and you are not sharing
    with me information about other people that should be kept
    confidential
    

    View Slide

34. @rmillerwebster
    Back-Channel Communication
    • not being direct or upfront with people.
    • “Meeting after the meeting” — sharing reactions, emotions, or
    opinions with people before or after a meeting, rather than
    sharing them in the meeting.
    • Gossip
    • “Dirty yes” — say “yes” to your face and then “no” behind your back
    BRAVING: Vault
    

    View Slide

35. @rmillerwebster
    What can you do?
    • Model public conversations when appropriate
    • Ask if subject knows its being shared
    • Don’t give or receive gossip
    • Difficult circumstances
    • Be vague if saying nothing is creating gossip
    • Ask a person what you can share
    BRAVING: Vault
    

    View Slide

36. @rmillerwebster
    Integrity
    • You choose courage over comfort
    • You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy
    • You choose to practice your values rather than just professing
    them
    

    View Slide

37. @rmillerwebster
    https://medium.com/@bentlegen/the-best-tool-for-the-job-isnt-always-6ed364f3f775
    BRAVING: Integrity
    

    View Slide

38. @rmillerwebster
    What are your values?
    • Same values for work and home.
    • What behaviors support?
    • What behaviors take away?
    • When were you fully living into your values?
    BRAVING: Integrity
    

    View Slide

39. @rmillerwebster
    What can you do?
    • Be explicit about the things that matter - Examples of good and bad
    • Check yourself when someone does something differently - Is this a thing
    that matters?
    • Create new expectations when things happen - take responsibility for not
    being explicit
    • Be thoughtful and intentional about handling disagreements
    • Find a person to role play, run ideas by, and review
    BRAVING: Integrity
    

    View Slide

40. @rmillerwebster
    Non-judgement
    • I can ask you for what I need and you can ask for what you need
    • We can talk about how we feel without judgement
    • We can ask each other for help without judgement
    

    View Slide

41. @rmillerwebster
    What can you do?
    • Ask for help
    • Help others when they ask
    • Stay curious about why you are judging
    • Be aware of your own insecurities
    BRAVING: Non-judgement
    

    View Slide

42. @rmillerwebster
    Generosity
    • You extend the most generous interpretation possible to
    intentions, words, and actions of others
    

    View Slide

43. @rmillerwebster
    BRAVING: Generosity
    

    View Slide

44. @rmillerwebster
    What can you do?
    • What boundaries need to be in place for you to be generous with your
    assumptions about other’s behavior?
    • Provide clear expectations and set boundaries
    • We are each responsible for our own behavior and the things we can
    control
    • Don’t hold grudges
    • Get to know people personally - listen, ask questions
    BRAVING: Generosity
    

    View Slide

45. @rmillerwebster
    Refactoring Trust
    

    View Slide

46. @rmillerwebster
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0218121/
    Model Behavior
    

    View Slide

47. Define roles in a decision
    • Who is accountable? Do they have the authority to do the work?
    • Who will carry out decision?
    • Who needs to provide input?
    • Who is effected and needs to be notified?
    • What does success look like?
    • Create a checklist of what needs to be done
    

    View Slide

48. What does support look like?
    • Open-ended question.
    • Not “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
    • Clarifies roles and expectations
    • Holds them accountable for asking for what they need
    

    View Slide

49. @rmillerwebster
    Identify the
    breach.
    

    View Slide

50. @rmillerwebster
    Focus on observable
    behaviors.
    

    View Slide

51. @rmillerwebster
    How to Talk about Trust
    • Schedule a time
    • Start with context: I’d like to talk about trust
    • Specific behaviors
    • Clear Examples
    • Describe the impact of the behavior on individual, team or business
    • Follow up with consistent actions
    

    View Slide

52. @rmillerwebster
    http://olayar.deviantart.com/art/Birth-plan-icon-monitoring-518120665
    Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License
    

    View Slide

53. BRAVING: Vault
    

    View Slide

54. @rmillerwebster
    Lack of Trust
    Stay silent in meetings or after a
    disagreement
    Passive aggressive behavior Micromanaging
    Seek individual recognition
    “Meeting after the meeting”
    Interpersonal conflict
    Revisit the same issues over and over
    “Dirty Yes”: Say yes to your face and no
    behind your back Cynicism
    Withholding information and ideas
    Invisible Army: Using ‘we” to express
    your own point of view Frustration
    Avoid tough conversations and giving
    feedback
    Defensiveness Resentment
    

    View Slide

55. @rmillerwebster
    Trusting Teams
    During meetings, most important and
    difficult issues are put on the table to be
    resolved
    Acknowledge and apologize for
    mistakes.
    Willingly makes sacrifices for the good of
    the team
    Productive debate and discussions -
    ends with clear and specific resolutions
    and call to action
    Do what you say you’ll do
    Passionate & unguarded in their
    discussion of issues
    Concerned about letting down peers
    Willing to say no Call out each other’s unproductive
    behaviors
    Ask for help
    Openly admit weakness and mistakes. Don’t over promise
    Retain employees
    Leave meetings confident that peers are
    committed to the decisions made
    Meetings are engaging and productive
    

    View Slide

56. Start with Self-Trust
    • Three elements of self-compassion:
    • Self-Kindness: speaking to ourselves as we would speak to our
    loved ones, even in face of failure; meet mistakes with kindness
    • Common Humanity: we are not alone and humans shares these
    feelings of shame and inadequacy
    • Mindfulness: appropriate responsibility and rumination on
    feelings and emotions; be present
    Research from Dr. Kristin Neff
    

    View Slide

57. @rmillerwebster
    Trust is a practice
    • “Repair trust when it is broken, by being intentional and
    consistent in your language and actions.” - Charles Feltman, Thin Book
    of Trust
    • Walk the Walk
    • Make amends
    

    View Slide

58. Refactoring Trust
    on your Team
    Rebecca Miller-Webster
    @rmillwebster
    Write/Speak/Code
    @writespeakcode
    Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
    Thin Book of Trust by Charles Felman
    Understanding Computers and Cognition by Terry Winograd
    Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
    Equilibria
    myeq.com | @equilibriawomen
    

    View Slide